An independent research study by the ELPH Research Centre in Washington, D.C. has found that millennials almost unanimously, don’t believe in modern pest control services.
The study, funded by a coalition of larger pest control companies to determine their long-term viability and problem marketing areas, found that adults under the age of 35 have been mainly using “alternative”, “homeopathic”, and “Darwinist” practices to clear their homes and apartments of invasive insects and animals.
The Pew study is the first of its kind aimed at a specific generational group’s pest control practices, or ‘PCPs’.
“The findings really surprised us,” said Chief Research Officer Dr. Bob J. Robinson, a non-Millennial. “We kind of just assumed people used common sense when it came to dealing with the horrifying myriad of invasive creatures, but apparently, that’s just not the case.”
“When I get ants,” reported Schyler Trambeaux, a participant in the study from Charlottesville, Virginia, “I usually just redirect them to my neighbor’s house with a trail of some agave syrup. It’s much more humane.”
Millennials love to be alternative
The researchers found that North America’s young people have been using alternative pest control methods for years, but, due to the low rate of home ownership, have largely flown under the radar for pest control companies.
“Once, I left my dishes in the sink for a really long time,” explains Castor Wade, a PhD student in Athens, Georgia who participated in the study. “I started to get big bugs, then small animals. I just threw everything out the back door. It solved the problem for a while.” He gazes wistfully out the window. “Until the bears came.”
A spokesman for the coalition of companies that funded the study expressed their frustration that traditional marketing had failed in reaching the elusive group, but stated the study was “illuminating, if not totally depressing.” The coalition expects to perform a follow-up study the following year.
“One guy from central Florida,” Dr. Robinson explained with confusion at the end of our interview, “reported in the study that he purchased a half a dozen snakes to deal with his mouse problem. Once the mice were largely dealt with, the man imported two mongooses who got the snakes pretty quickly, but then started breeding.” He sighed heavily, the weight of others’ mistakes on his shoulders. “They had to demo the house. That’s just not right.”
WRITTEN BY TAYLOR GREEN